The first step is admitting you have a problem.

I have now told 3 people about my food addiction. It felt good to just let it all out, and although they can not relate, they have been helpful in listening & helping to talk me through it. I just wanted to hear that I'm not crazy. My husband has offered to find a therapist or someone in this area that I can talk to. I'd rather sort through it on my own first. I don't want to sit down & tell a perfect stranger that I hate my body & I that I sneak food, or that I can eat an entire large pizza by myself if no one is watching. It's embarrassing and it brings tears to my eyes to talk about it. The guilt, the lack of control, the shame... I don't want to talk to someone I don't know. Not now. Not at this point.

I think my eating problems stem from my childhood. I was made to clear my plate at every meal. I could then have a big bowl of ice cream drowned in strawberry syrup with sprinkles on top. Food was a reward. I was also made to eat when I was full, just to get the ice cream I wanted. There were times when my mom would cook pot roast or something I didn't like. I would get a small portion because I knew I had to eat it all, I was hungry, I had to eat something. I remember thinking, •what am I gonna eat?" I know it's healthy to make your children try a variety of foods, but if they truly try them & don't like them, don't force them to eat it!!

There were nights when my mom would be taking a bath & I'd be hungry because we had one of those meals I didn't like. I'd ask my dad if I could make a sandwich. He'd let me but I had to be sneaky about it & not tell my mom. I had to make sure I put the bread away just right, hide my paper plate in the garbage, & clean up any bread crumbs so she wouldn't know.

My childhood was not terrible & I'm not like poor poor pitiful me. I know that my parents did not think they were doing anything wrong, & maybe with a different kid with different brain makeup he or she would be fine. I do not blame them, but I do think that is why I am the way I am today. It's always been there. It's just gotten worse as I've started to diet & limit what I eat. It seems that when I do that I crave food that much more. I eat that much more & then I'm disgusted with myself. It's a vicious cycle.

Putting these words down helps get all these emotions off my chest. Food & I have a love late relationship. I love food & I hate it. I thank you two my wonderful husband & my two best friends for listening & trying to understand my constant struggle. I hope that they help me resist my temptations as I want to beat this... On my own... Without the guidance of a complete stranger with a degree.

It's been a while.

I never like to title my blog until after I finish, as there is no telling where my mind may take me. I begin here with "it's been a while," as it has been some time since I've put meaningful thoughts down, and it's been some time since I've done a meaningful exercise. I don't know what my problem is!!! I want the results but I don't want to work for it!! Why is it that some people can be so thin & eat all the time? Why do I go to bed hungry? It makes me want to cry!

I know everybody is different. Genetics. Gods plan. I get that. I just get so discouraged & I give up. I don't see the results fast enough & I quit. There aren't enough hours in the day. I am absolutely sick of walking. I am burnt out on P90X. Jillian Michaels can kiss my ass!! I need a workout partner & no one is committed! I need to quit feeling sorry for myself & change it but I can't seem to get out of this rut!

I posted something on my Loseit the other day about thinking I have a eating disorder. Not one person commented on it. I was not seeking attention but I guess I just needed someone to talk to... Someone that might understand. I do not know what is wrong with me but I am hungry ALL OF THE TIME!!! I think about food 99% of the time. I over-eat. I love food. I never think I've ate enough. I finish my plate...always... I finish my husbands food. I hide that I'm eating sometimes. I sneak & get something out of the pantry & shove it in my mouth. I do not purge. I could never do that. I just don't know why I am this way with food & I think it has to be some sort of eating disorder!!!! There is something wrong with me!!!! I'm never going to lose these last few pounds or have the body that I want with this constant battle everyday. It's so hard!!!