I have now told 3 people about my food addiction. It felt good to just let it all out, and although they can not relate, they have been helpful in listening & helping to talk me through it. I just wanted to hear that I'm not crazy. My husband has offered to find a therapist or someone in this area that I can talk to. I'd rather sort through it on my own first. I don't want to sit down & tell a perfect stranger that I hate my body & I that I sneak food, or that I can eat an entire large pizza by myself if no one is watching. It's embarrassing and it brings tears to my eyes to talk about it. The guilt, the lack of control, the shame... I don't want to talk to someone I don't know. Not now. Not at this point.
I think my eating problems stem from my childhood. I was made to clear my plate at every meal. I could then have a big bowl of ice cream drowned in strawberry syrup with sprinkles on top. Food was a reward. I was also made to eat when I was full, just to get the ice cream I wanted. There were times when my mom would cook pot roast or something I didn't like. I would get a small portion because I knew I had to eat it all, I was hungry, I had to eat something. I remember thinking, •what am I gonna eat?" I know it's healthy to make your children try a variety of foods, but if they truly try them & don't like them, don't force them to eat it!!
There were nights when my mom would be taking a bath & I'd be hungry because we had one of those meals I didn't like. I'd ask my dad if I could make a sandwich. He'd let me but I had to be sneaky about it & not tell my mom. I had to make sure I put the bread away just right, hide my paper plate in the garbage, & clean up any bread crumbs so she wouldn't know.
My childhood was not terrible & I'm not like poor poor pitiful me. I know that my parents did not think they were doing anything wrong, & maybe with a different kid with different brain makeup he or she would be fine. I do not blame them, but I do think that is why I am the way I am today. It's always been there. It's just gotten worse as I've started to diet & limit what I eat. It seems that when I do that I crave food that much more. I eat that much more & then I'm disgusted with myself. It's a vicious cycle.
Putting these words down helps get all these emotions off my chest. Food & I have a love late relationship. I love food & I hate it. I thank you two my wonderful husband & my two best friends for listening & trying to understand my constant struggle. I hope that they help me resist my temptations as I want to beat this... On my own... Without the guidance of a complete stranger with a degree.
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